


It will always be never

by Changkyunnnie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Established Relationship, Human Wonho, M/M, kiho monthly, robot kihyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 17:28:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13979985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Changkyunnnie/pseuds/Changkyunnnie
Summary: It comes crashing down on him that maybe he’s been living too vicariously in the midst of humans, that he’s forgotten that he wasn’t one.





	It will always be never

 

It takes Kihyun a couple of weeks of relentless yet fruitless researching, one quick breakdown from frustration and a ridiculously bad click flick that he had illegally downloaded from the internet to admit that despite his best efforts, he still couldn’t understand the first thing about the subject he’s been so invested on. It was unnerving for him, to spend so much of his time reading up and watching every reputable and questionable resources that he could get his hands on and still ending up back to square one. Just when he thought he’s found the right material, it only serves to intensify his confusion with more words that describe the emotion in situations that he could never physically relate to.

It was amazing; a human’s creative use of words to explain an emotion that baffled Kihyun to no end. He’s seen so many different perspectives to this foreign emotion and each one seems like a brush stroke that’s haphazardly painted in canvass that created one beautiful, colorful but chaotic picture that he cannot begin to decipher.

This is the first time in a long while where his confidence has wavered in terms of understanding emotions. He never liked the feeling of not understanding anything and his brain supplies that this was one of the few situations that makes him anxious. He knew and understood how anxious felt and the terms that came with it- nervousness, worrying, apprehension, this is the feeling passing through him and he knows that this is a situation Hoseok wouldn’t approve of.

 

Despite having the capacity to learn about emotions and to even discern ones that are his own, to him it feels that his inability to understand this supposedly gripping and melancholic feeling called sadness has got him on a particularly irritating standstill.

It comes crashing down on him that maybe he’s been living too vicariously in the midst of humans, especially with his human- one that had treated him as their equal, that he’s forgotten that he wasn’t one. Suddenly there’s a completely visible line drawn between him as Model 1122 named Yoo Kihyun; a man-made machine with human like capabilities carefully configured and created to be his own person and those of actual humans; people who are naturally born to the world to grow as their own person based on events that have slowly shaped them. 

 

Even in the world that has the technology to gift any machine with the ability to possess emotions that are their own, the only clear difference between humanoid robots and the true living creatures are the parts and materials that they’re made of.

Hoseok was made out soft plump lips usually spilling with loud resonating laughter and sweet words of compliments and love, shining bright eyes, lean muscles and beautiful soft skin that burned under Kihyun’s touch and underneath all of that was a beautiful human life that’s dependent on a system of organs that will naturally live and die.

Kihyun is unapologetically a robot just like any other machine that has been perfected by years and years of advanced technological breakthroughs culminating into a human like form that is able to live life side by side with the people in society. He looked and felt every bit of human and the only thing he lacks are the certain functions of organs that would have been inside of him; parts and function that makes a human uniquely human.

 

Robots in this time and age are able to share in their feelings, their passions, their pleasures and even their needs just like the humans do. Kihyun has it all; the ability to go through all sensory sensations possible. Extremely humanoid robots like Kihyun meant that he had soft locks of hair and the ability to feel and touch from the tips on his fingers to the small sweet spot behind his ears. Kihyun can smell and taste his cooking and feel the pain of an accidental burn from when he gets a bit clumsy in the kitchen. His cheeks would temporarily have soft indents from Hoseok’s fingers when the later would sometimes grip just a bit too tightly, completely depending on the intensity of their kisses.

Yoo Kihyun however did not have a beating heart.

To Kihyun who doesn’t have one, it is always an amazing feeling to place his hand carefully over Hoseok’s chest and counting the rhythmic pumping of the organ that keeps his human alive. Heartbeats mean so many things all at once but Kihyun would just take it as a sign of life, of hope. The intensity of a human’s heartbeat is dynamic; always changing with every passing emotion or situation their bodies would go through and it was a miracle of its own.

With a hand above Hoseok’s beating heart; man made flesh over man’s flesh- his human would gently creeps his hands to Kihyun’s slowly until his slightly larger warm hands are on top of Kihyun’s smaller ones and with a mischievous smile he’d say “My heart beats for Kihyunnie.” Most of the time Kihyun would look away in what he’d call, embarrassment of the cringey words his human- his lover would tell him, but Kihyun is thankful for the acceptance and the treatment Hoseok gives him.

 

 

It was fairly simple; Hoseok lets his heart beat for Kihyun and Kihyun who cannot offer his every heart beat to Hoseok simply because he doesn’t have any, will have to do the next best thing. He’ll have to live his life the way Hoseok wants to. Kihyun will live his life freely.

He’s blessed to awaken in the world to someone like Shin Hoseok who is completely loving, gentle, smart and understanding and a true pure hearted human who has lived his life in fascination and continued respect for the sciences and the new form of life it has produced.

It meant even more to him knowing that Hoseok loved him as Yoo Kihyun- a model created with specifications fit for someone else’s needs. Kihyun was created for someone who had left the world without seeing Kihyun’s eyes open first time and he can never be more thankful that fate had brought him to Hoseok.

Shin Hoseok who was gifted of Model 1122 could have changed any part of Kihyun’s programming prior to his awakening and yet he decided not to. For him, the characteristics of Model 1122 were perfect even without knowing every bits and details that will eventually create the existence that is Yoo Kihyun. He accepted Yoo Kihyun even before Kihyun could prove him wrong with his short temper, his nagging and his infamus sharp tongue. He looks at Kihyun in awe and wonder when the other man awakens his vast knowledge in cooking, his flair for photography and his beautiful singing voice.  

To Hoseok, he and Kihyun are equals, they’re both beings that are allowed to have emotions, opinions, likes and dislikes and both warrant respect and love regardless of the way they came to be in the word. Kihyun loved that idea and truly believed it up until today.     

 

 

Now it’s a bit bitter sweet moment when Kihyun realizes just how different he is to his human. He never felt jealous of the race that created him but it dawns on him that humans had the innate understanding of emotions that settle into their souls. Maybe sadness was a feeling Kihyun would understand if he had a heart that would ache for him.

Maybe he truly is an incomplete being that cannot fully comprehend emotions regardless of how hard he tries.

Hoseok always praised him how easy it was for him to identify the emotions he felt and now he wonders how his partner would take to the idea that Kihyun does not understand the feelings of a heart-wrenching pain that settles on a person’s soul. Does Kihyun even have a soul?

All his efforts have given him a broader insight on the subject truly, and by now he can even quote beautiful lines that famous people have used to explain the feeling and yet every explanation seems just that- an explanation. In the end he still understand nothing of a basic emotion he had yet to come across with.

 

Kihyun gives up on trying to understand the concept and feeling of sadness on his own. Despite his pride and his advanced ability to cope with any situations, there are things humans will always be better at, more than he could ever hope to be. Despite the insecurity and nerves creeping on him and telling him that his beautiful human would be disappointed in him, he disregards it completely.

The logical part of him reasons that Hoseok is understanding.

He hopes that his inability and his imperfection being highlighted like this would not be a way for Hoseok to realize that he’s wasting his life with an imperfect existence like Kihyun. As fast as the worry settles on his mind, he shakes it away.

When has Hoseok ever let him down?

The answer is never and it will always be never.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“What does sadness feel like?” Kihyun says as he drums his fingers on the black leather arm rest of their couch. He could feel Hoseok who was playing a game on his phone whip his head to look at him curiously. Kihyun meets Hoseok’s eyes and he reads his human’s emotions as surprised and concerned. Kihyun hoped he doesn’t get angry.

 

“Kihyunnie…is this what’s been bothering you all this time?” He hears the distinct click of Hoseok’s phone being powered off.

“I’ve been trying to find out what sadness feels like and it’s a very heavy emotion that I can’t understand." _Maybe because I don’t have a beating heart._ Left unsaid.

 

“You’ve been having movie marathons instead of doing photography outside to understand what sadness is like?”

“It’s called research Hoseok.”

“Clearly you haven’t learned?” Hoseok’s voice is light and he has a goofy look plastered on his face. The fact that he finds this predicament amusing is surprising to Kihyun but he’s still on the edge with the conversation.

“I just don’t understand it. Maybe you can be a sweetheart and tell your robot partner what it feels like?” He couldn’t help but hiss slightly to the other man.

 

 

“Sadness…isn’t a big grand emotion babe. It’s not something you want to feel either.” Hoseok pulls Kihyun closer into him by gently pulling him by the shoulder. The shorter man leans in the touch and wonders why he ever thought that Hoseok will see the bad in any situation.

“I know that, I’ve seen people being said, it’s quite disturbing. But I want to know of it.” Kihyun leaning it brings his hands to wrap around Hoseok’s waist as he buries his face on the man’s warm shoulder. He smells of strawberries and baby powder, he smells like home.

 

“Sadness, it comes in many forms. You probably know that by now.”

“What is sadness to you Hoseok?”

“I really can’t explain much Kihyunnie, but the basics is when you’re upset you’re not only angry, you’re also sad. When a part of you is wronged by someone, something or any occurrence and you’re left feeling the opposite of happy, that’s what sadness is.” Kihyun feels Hoseok kiss the top of his head, he grips on the man’s waist harder.

 

“When you want to eat ramen and I tell you that you can’t, does that make you sad?”

“Well…just a little bit but only for a few minutes.”

 

“Minhyuk’s existence makes me sad.”

“Ki, my best friend makes you aggravated not sad.”

 

“Have I ever made you sad?”

“You’ve never made me sad, in fact you’ve only made me truly happy.”

“You make me happy too Hoseok.”

 

“Don’t try to understand what sadness is Kihyun. It’s something I hope you never feel.” Kihyun does not say anything more as he continues to rest his head over Hoseok’s shoulder, the other man is tracing circles on his back with his right hand.

It’s silent and meaningful.

 

Maybe he have not gotten all the answers he wanted and he’s still a bit insecure about understanding emotions, but that’s okay for now. He doesn’t doubt that in the future he’ll find more things that a robot like himself could not understand fully because that’s just how they’re created; as imperfect copies of the human race. What he knows now is that Hoseok will always be patiently guiding him through this life they’ve built together. He still knows that Hoseok is watching him slot himself in the world as a Yoo Kihyun, Model 1122 who keeps on learning and growing.  

He’s been a bit foolish, thinking so little of Hoseok’s affection for him.

 

Will he ever be sad as long as Hoseok was by his side?

The answer is never and it will always be never.

**Author's Note:**

> If you get to this part, thank you! I hope you enjoyed reading this and I'd love some feedback! :)
> 
> Please support Kiho Monthly and kiho in general!
> 
> (This is unbeta-ed)


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